


Like Fire and Gasoline

by midnightsunnyday



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Death Threats, Demons, Explicit Language, Headcanon, Implied Slash, No Relationships/Pairings, No Sex, Oneshot, Other, Scheming, Small Mention to Pansexuality, Swearing, Threats of Violence, mentions of porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:01:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29202504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsunnyday/pseuds/midnightsunnyday
Summary: Mammon and Mephistopheles, two of RAD’s well-known schemers, have made it their sworn duty to inconvenience Lucifer in every possible way for years. So far, Lucifer has managed to outsmart them at every turn, yet the reveal of their latest plot just might be the end of him, emotionally, that is.
Relationships: Diavolo & Lucifer (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) & Original Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Like Fire and Gasoline

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is not only my first fan-fiction but my first time writing for this fandom, so I appreciate any feedback, yet no pressure. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Before he started his mornings, Lucifer always fixed himself a cup of coffee. The bitter black liquid kept him capable of cognitive function and was the sole reason Armageddon was—give or take—a few centuries overdue. Most days he’d find himself drinking several pitchers before dinner and even after, having to work late into the night to finish council work. By that point, he’d consumed enough caffeine to take out the average human, yet those were the advantages of being immortal, he supposed.

Yet if at any point Lucifer envied humanity’s ability to die it would be right here, right now in his office. He took a sip of his coffee, then another, the lines of his forehead deepening as he glared at the two young demons before him, who gave a cheeky smile in return.

It was during one of his usual strolls through RAD when Lucifer first came across the second born and the newspaper club president. They were shoulder to shoulder, laughing about something foolish, no doubt. At the time, he was too preoccupied with Diavolo and his talks of an “exchange program.” Though looking back, Lucifer should’ve been more adamant about his request for a guillotine, then there would be no need for such disciplinary meetings or any after. A fair price considering the years of torment he’d endure from the two. Unfortunately, Diavolo thought otherwise. 

“Before we begin, remind me, how many times have you both been inside my office?” Lucifer asked.

Mammon and Mephistopheles groaned. It was like they were school children forced to answer a problem.

Lucifer gripped the handle of his mug. “Should I remind you both of what happens when I need to repeat myself?”

“2,522 times,” they replied.

“And how many times did either of you manage to get away with what you did?”

“Zero.”

“Then I assume you both know why I called you here today?” Lucifer set his sights on Mammon, who looked more like a frightened mouse than the second strongest ruler of Hell.

“M-maybe,” Mammon stuttered. “After all, I got a lot on my plate at the moment.”

“Do you?”

Mammon waved away Lucifer’s skepticism. “Oh, yeah. Some white-collar, some blue-collar, corporate, organized, and militarized. Greed is a busy business, after all.”

Taking part in this latest fiasco was the prince himself, who from the outside, stood with the grace expected of royalty. Yet having known Diavolo for quite some time, it was clear to Lucifer that he was wearing his “I only look this way so I won’t get yelled at” face. “Be careful of doing too much, Mammon,” he said. “Greed is the root that leads to all evils.”

“But pride is the father of evils Lord Diavolo,” Mephistopheles retorted. “So I guess you could say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the old, rotting, worm-filled tree.”

Diavolo frowned. “I’m afraid compliments will get you nowhere with Lucifer, Mephistopheles. He’s quite hard to impress.”

Plenty a demon would rather rip their own eyes out than stand a staredown with the firstborn, yet Mephistopheles met Lucifer with the same steely gaze. For the sake of the meeting, Lucifer would ignore such verbal jabs. After all, why quicken the inevitable? There would be plenty of time for punishment later.

“Now onto the matter at hand,” Lucifer said. “For the past few weeks, Diavolo and I have come across some highly inappropriate literature being read around the RAD campus. After an exhaustive investigation, we were able to find their source. Any guesses as to where?”

Mephistopheles leaned back into his chair, his lips forming into a smirk. “Was it the women’s locker room?”

“No,” said Lucifer in a flat tone.

“Beel’s void of a stomach?” Mammon asked.

Diavolo laughed. “That would’ve been an ideal location, yet no.”

“The men’s locker room?”

Well, ask a stupid question. “You two can obfuscate ignorance as much as you like. Either way, I have my proof,” said Lucifer. Reaching from under his desk, he revealed a large, cardboard box, the contents of which included hundreds of booklets. “These were confiscated from a hidden storage locker within the RAD Newspaper Club room. Furthermore, the funds for such books--which sold for 500 Grimm a piece--were being disguised as regular club donations.”

“Oi, why is that whenever laundering's involved I just hafta be the main suspect?” said Mammon.

Lucifer wasn’t sure if he should dignify such a question with a response, so he didn’t. “Now, Mephistopheles, you're the president of the RAD Newspaper Club, correct?”

“That’s what they call me,” Mephistopheles said.

“Which means you have the authority to oversee all actions?”

“Feeling a lot of pressure from that statement, but yes.”

“I just find it odd that the one person who’d be aware of the ins and outs of their own club room hasn’t heard of…” no way could he allow such words to leave his mouth.

“What’s wrong, Lucifer?” Mephistopheles asked, his voice dripping with delight. “It’s very rare to see you so…bothered.”

Lucifer clenched his jaw, the force threatening to shatter his teeth. “I’m fine.”

“Then please, continue.”

Lucifer inhaled—pausing to see if he could asphyxiate himself—then exhaled. “Hasn’t heard of… _I Spent the Night in the Demon Lord's Castle and Came Home with a Limp._

Both Mammon and Mephistopheles compressed their lips, trying hard to contain the force that welled within them from escaping. Soon the room rang with boisterous laughter. Even Diavolo gave in and joined them.

It wasn’t the act of sex depicted on the cover that bothered Lucifer, vanilla in comparison to his actual exploits. Nor was it because of gender, having had many lovers throughout the centuries.

Yet the longer he stared at this clear mockery of his visage, the greater his confusion became. Just what about him gave the impression of being _submissive_? When he walks, entire hallways clear for him. When he speaks, none dare breathe. A lower demon once dived in front of a puddle if only so his shoes wouldn’t become wet. Why, if a glare could kill, then Lucifer’s would have murdered half the kingdom in an instant. So then what in all the nine circles would possess anyone to draw him ass up, knees dug into the ground and lapping ejaculate off Diavolo’s marbled chest like a dog in heat?

Lucifer rose from his chair, his aura dark and heavy, choking the laughter from the room. Everyone watched as he made his way to the front of his desk, perching himself atop the wooden space, his arms tightened across his chest. “The only reason you two are still alive is that Diavolo advised against it.”

Diavolo shook his head. “I wasn’t’ sure whether the topic of “your eldest brother committed double homicide” would’ve gone over well in the next student council meeting.”

Lucifer smiled. He never smiled. “However, Diavolo did agree that you should be punished. Which is why after this I’m going to tie you both by the neck, drag you towards the fourth circle and have Plutus—“

“—Now hold on,” Diavolo said, raising his hands to signal a time out. “Before that, I would like to know what inspired such a plan.”

If there were an award for “hardest eye roll in all the three realms,” Lucifer would have won it right that second. These meetings always lasted longer than they should because of the prince’s insistent need to know more than what’s necessary. “Fine, enlighten us on why you thought selling porn on campus depicting your prince would be a clever business venture?”

Mammon and Mephistopheles turned to each other, nodding their heads as if in silent agreement. Clearing his throat, Mammon rested his hands on his lap, his fingertips pressed together. “First of all, apologies are in order. I told Mephisto, along with the artist we hired, that the jizz lickin’ was a bit much and completely outta character, but he insisted.”

Mephistopheles shrugged. “What can I say? Readers love a bottom.”

“There is nothing about that sentence that doesn’t make me want to toss you off a cliff,” Lucifer said.

“Fair enough.”

“More importantly,” Mammon continued, “the cost of production is high, so of course we charged a bunch of horny suckers 500 Grimm a book. I mean, what kinda dumbass would do this for free? It’s all about “supply and demand” and DiaxLu is definitely a fan favorite.”

Diavolo gazed at Lucifer, his face showing just the hint of red. “Oh my, I had no idea our relationship was seen as so scandalous.”

Lucifer, on the other hand, was always aware. Add on the one-on-one vacations, the private dining rooms, the many sleepovers at the Demon Lord’s Castle, and the long nights inside his office and no wonder everyone assumed their relationship was more than professional. To Diavolo, these were simple outings, quality time to spend with a close friend, yet to Lucifer, it felt as if he were being courted.

“We also found that the whole “master/servant” thing is a real hit. DiaxBarb is a close second, followed by LuxBarb, and for the polyamorous folks, DiaxBarbxLu,” Mephistopheles said.

“Ya see brother, we were simply tappin’ into a highly requested yet underdeveloped market. That box you have is our most recent piece,” said Mammon.

Lucifer looked at Mammon as if he’d slapped him. “Most recent? You mean you wrote more of these abominations?”

Mammon snorted. “Hell no. How many people you heard of gettin’ rich from writing? Mamep Entertainment—name pending—is strictly a publishing house. _The Butler is Served_ was our best selling piece along with _The Butler is Served: Double Stuffed_. Besides, writing stories about my brother gettin’ dicked down would be pushin’ past some weird territory.”

“But that doesn’t stop you from selling them?”

“Nope. Ain’t no shame on this cash train.”

“Well, then. It seems you two put in quite the effort with this current scheme, especially you, Mammon. This is the hardest I’ve seen you apply yourself,” said Diavolo.

Mammon grinned. “I know, right?”

“Indeed. Just when I thought you two had reached the pinnacle of mischief, you somehow manage to go beyond my expectations. Yet this situation is child’s play compared to your last incident where you both conspired to kidnap a duke.” Diavolo sighed. “Till this day, Valefar won’t accept my invitations for tea at the castle.”

“Yeah, that might have gone too far. I just wanted to rob em,’ but Mephisto thought we’d get way more through ransom.”

Lucifer dragged his hand down his face. Did he not deserve a life? One where he wasn’t overwhelmed by such moronic misadventures? “I’m officially ending this meeting. Both of you will receive punishment, yet not before you yield every single earning from this...smut, as well as a full written statement in the RAD Newspaper with your apologies.”

Mammon gripped his hair, a pained expression on his face. “Wait, all the Grimm? Do you have any idea how much you're askin' for? Our last quarter alone brought in 500,000. We’re ruined.” Mammon threw himself onto Mephistopheles, his face buried into his shoulder.

“There, there,” Mephistopheles said, patting Mammon’s head. “I’m sure we’ll figure out something else.”

“But my money,” Mammon cried.

There may have been a small, shriveled part of Lucifer that was glad to see such a formidable bond. But then again...“Now both of you get out of my office, yet know this--there is not a place in all the three realms that you can hide if you choose to escape from me.”

Mephistopheles rose from his chair, carrying Mammon’s whimpering husk of a body bridal style towards the door, yet not before he turned to Lucifer, rolling his eyes before taking Mammon away.

Diavolo placed his hand upon Lucifer’s shoulder, giving a hearty laugh. “You actually did better than I expected. No blood on the walls, no guts on the floor. They left fully intact. It’s like you didn’t even need me here.”

Lucifer sighed. “Diavolo, not once have I ever spoken to you with the least respect, so when I say this, please understand that it is from a place of absolute frustration and in no part a reflection of my usual character.”

“I understand. Please, speak your mind.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“Fair enough.”

Today, Lucifer would skip the coffee. He needed Demonus. And unlike the coffee, hopefully, the dosage would kill him.

**Author's Note:**

> It's true we don't know much about Mephistopheles, but what we do know is that one, he doesn't care for Lucifer; two, was involved in the sticker incident, along with Satan, Asmodeus, and Mammon; three, was involved in leaking the brothers’ angelic forms (at least according to the Devs on the official Twitter page); and finally, was involved in tampering with the votes during the popularity contest, putting Mammon first and him last. Basically, he’s a canon trouble maker. Honestly, I just wanted to write him and Mammon together, as I think they make a truly chaotic pair.


End file.
